On Failure, Dreams, and a New Direction

The great thing about failure (and there are really not that many of them. surprise) is that it really forces you to take a step back and reevaluate. 

In my case, failure came in the form of getting fired from a new job. Though in my defense, "firing" is probably way too strong a word, as I was hired on a week-long trial basis, just like everyone else who started there. Perhaps unlike everyone else who started there, I was asked to leave after a few days. My writing style just "wasn't what they were looking for."

I'm not sure that I believe that everything happens for a reason. I think life can be really shitty and senseless at times. It's part of the reason that I've struggled with religion and the idea of God for so long, but I digress. 

And if you had given me such a platitude on Thursday (the day I was asked to leave), I probably would've given you a quick swift roundhouse kick to the neck. But now that I've gotten some space from the whole thing, I can maybe see the potential for something good to come out of it.

Which takes a lot for me to admit because failure and I are not close. We've brushed arms a few times (senior year Behavioral Neuroscience comes to mind), but it's generally not in my repertoire, certainly not when it comes to work or my career.

I genuinely thought copywriting could be the answer to my problem, the one where I'm trying to figure out how to pursue a career in a narrow field in such a way that I won't have to stay in Los Angeles forever. Copywriters are in demand everywhere, so training here in the city is the perfect jumping-off point for being able to move somewhere else and continue it.

I didn't love those three days at the company, but I thought I could learn to, knowing that it'd be worth it in the end. And maybe copywriting will end up working out, but logic isn't on my side with this one, as it's pretty rare to find a company that will train you to do it, especially when you don't have a strong background in writing copy.

I felt this loss. Big time. I've been lost for a few months now, unsure of what to do or how to pursue a career in a city that I know I don't want to make my permanent home, but am not ready to say goodbye to, either.

A recent conversation with a friend really opened my eyes. She told me that I really had to dig deep and figure out what I wanted, otherwise I'd continue to search and apply for jobs without any luck because there was no way the universe would be able to understand what I needed if I didn't know.

So while I still don't have all the answers, in regards to my own dreams, wants, and desires, I at least know the following:

1) I can say with near certainty that I don't want to work in entertainment. For my own purposes, I've limited entertainment to simply mean television and film. I love screenwriting, but I don't care for the atmosphere here. And because it's quite nearly impossible to be a screenwriter anywhere else (with exceptions, of course), it's something that I don't think is in the cards for me. It'll always be there if I ever decide to come back to it, but for now, I've put it on the backburner.

2) I want my own family and I want that family near my existing one. Probably one of the biggest struggles that I've had deal with since moving here is missing my family. A lot of people struggle with homesickness, but family is something that I've decided to make a priority - the people I love are worth more than what I'm doing. And it makes zero sense to pursue a so-so career in a city I don't love and won't come to love when nearly everyone that I do love resides on the East Coast. 

3) There's never been a doubt in my mind that I wanna earn my living writing. Theoretically, I could move to New York or some other major city and work in entertainment. I certainly love other aspects about the industry other than writing. There are a ton of avenues to pursue - producing, directing, editing, and the like. But that's never been my dream. Writing is. Whether that's writing for a magazine or working on my own novel remains to be seen. I can certainly see it as a side project; maybe working in marketing while I write my book on the side. 

So where exactly does that leave me? Well, I've (maybe) sort of got a plan. I mentioned earlier that while I don't love Los Angeles (okay, I hate it mostly), I'm not ready to give it up. I want this to be an experience, something that I'm able to look back on and say, "I did that." It'll never be something I regret.  Because if I hadn't done it? 

I'd regret it for the rest of my life. Knowing what could have been if I'd had the guts to leave the familiar. There's a ton here that I need to see - people to meet and culture to breathe. 

So I'm giving myself 2-3 more years here before I head back to the East Coast. I'm not sure I'll end up back in Muncy; the little town that I love doesn't have a ton of options. I see myself in places like Boston, New York, or Philadelphia - places where I'll feel energized and satisfied that are only a quick trip home when I need my crazy family or my Lycoming County Fair fix. 

So what's that mean for me now?

I'll continue to apply for writing gigs, but those are a rare gem. Mostly, I'll continue to hunt for assistant positions in every field, entertainment included. Something comfortable that challenges me and will allow me to write everything that I can in my free time.

And when the time comes, I'll pack it all up and head East.

Of course you never know where life could take you; last week was real evidence of that for me. But at least now I have something to work toward, a goal to achieve. And now the universe can get onboard with me, so I can start to make these things a reality.