On being okay with those new year blues

I have no idea how a month has gone by without a post, but alas, I write to you with a hanging head. To be fair to myself, the last month has been crazed, with the holidays and picking up a second job. It’s been a tough time in general and I haven’t really felt the motivation to spill anything onto the page, but I’m happy to say that that while the tough times linger, the urge to write is strong. And I’m lucky enough that writing often tempers my mood and allows a semblance of relief to pour into my soul.

Many of my fellow #fireworkpeeps (www.wearefireworkpeople.com) have made declarations, poured fire into their souls and set goals for themselves that I have no doubt they’ll reach. I wanted to fill myself up with that spirit and declare a few things for myself, but I’m not quite at that point yet. I see everyone inspired by the start of the new year, excited by the prospect of a better time, one filled with realized dreams.

The beginning of a new year has never inspired that feeling within me. I’ve never enjoyed New Year’s as a holiday, particularly because I usually feel some type of post-holiday blues coupled with the heavy knowledge of three more months of sunless skies and stark, barren trees. What little excitement winter has to offer has passed and my heart is heavy with it. I see color bursting at the seams of others’ start to a new year, but mine is charcoal and fuzzy and doesn’t quite know what to do with itself yet.

I recognize that I’m experiencing a depression of sorts, which is in perfect alignment with my history, one that I would’ve been foolish not to see coming. But I did, and it’s a minor depression at that, one that I’m certain will resolve itself with time, stability, self-love and a few more sunny days.

I’m lucky that I appear to be stumbling upon blocks of color along the way. I’ve met new people in the last couple of months that have brought joy to my cold heart (ha, I jest) and experienced kindness in unexpected places. Surprises greet me around every few corners and I couldn’t be more grateful that while I’m bumbling at times, I am not falling into a deep, infinite abyss. I’m grateful that that type of all-consuming darkness has not made itself known to me for over three years now. That knowledge in and of itself fills me with light – that even when it’s tough, it will [hopefully] never be quite that tough.

I hope that 2015 is kind to you. I hope that you dream bigger than yourself and achieve in ways that you hadn’t before. I hope you fall in love – whether it’s with yourself, another person, a dream, or even an idea.

I hope you find what you’re looking for but also allow yourself the space to breathe and be okay if you don’t.  A new year can be exhilarating, but it’s also important not to get bogged down under the weight of expectation.

Give yourself a chance. Allow yourself to fail. Discover dreams when you’re not searching for them.

It'll all be okay.