Year of love

actual tattoo

If you read last week’s post, you know I’ve been struggling this winter season, to find light, rejuvenation, and a purpose for the new year. My circumstances haven’t really changed, but as my mood fluctuates with the weather, I find some days more inspiring than others. And after receiving a letter from my fellow #fireworkpeep (www.wearefireworkpeople.com) and dear friend/lover of words, Caity Hummel (www.caitlynhummel.com), an ember of light made itself known and I knew I’d be a fool not to run with it and empty my heart onto the page.

The whole “declare-a-word-for-the-new-year” thing is new to me, but I find the concept quite interesting – choosing a single word to live by for a year – to strive toward – that encompasses everything and nothing. I found the task to be a little daunting as I watched my friends take on so much empowerment with their words. Surrender, rejoice, believe, embrace, free, grow, refresh, risk, and brave are just a few of the hundreds that have sparked from their hearts.

I think there are a few that I could choose that would be relevant, but there’s one that sticks out the most, at it’s very core, what fills me up, and keeps me going, no matter the avenue or direction it comes from. My word for 2015 is simply –

Love. 

If there’s one thing I’ve realized, it’s that I’m most unhappy when there’s an absence of love in a specific corner of my life. Problem areas include job dissatisfaction, flailing friendships, absent family members, relationship problems, and a lack of love for myself, particularly.

In this regard, there’s a lot of room for unhappiness. But that also means that there’s a great potential for happiness, as well. I’ve managed to get a few of these figured out and continue to work out the rest of them as I stumble upon them and get to their deepest roots.

My starting point – the most important point – is myself. I seem to be the person I fight with the most, the person I loathe the most, the person who makes me the most insecure, who brings me the majority of my unpleasant feelings. I’ve never been particularly fond of Olivia and I love her the least, despite the fact that she’s the person that I know the best.

These feelings are ones that rarely fluctuate and seem to be fairly steady, much to my dismay. I thought they’d evolve as I got older, learned more about myself, took on more responsibility and independence, and expanded the pool of people I love and people who love me. But that is not my truth. My circumstances have only changed themselves and have not changed anything about the way I feel about me.

And I suppose that would be the easiest way out, wouldn’t it? Then I wouldn’t have to do the dirty work or make the effort to care. How could it ever be that simple?

So I’m declaring this as the year that I at least attempt to improve my relationship with myself. I love others freely and easily, so I know this task isn’t impossible. It’s just –

Well, daunting.

As for the other spaces of my life? 

I’ll care for them as they come along.